October 31, 2019
I was going to start from when I woke up but I changed my mind.. let’s start from the 3am wake ups from pains shooting down my legs and through my stomach. Then again at 4:15am and again at 5am then waking up when my partner leaves for work at 6am and trying to sneak in as many seconds of sleep as I can before needing to get up at 6:45am which normally is post-poned because I’m so tired from such a broken sleep. Imagine the first thing you need to think about or deal with when waking up is deciding whether it’s just nausea or you’re actually going to vomit. Waking straight up to pains you feel you never escaped from, pains so sharp it feels like a knife is being pushed against your tissue on the inside of you’re stomach and uterus. Standing up for the first time of the day feels like you’ve had your stomach stitched to your hips and your breaking them apart by standing up straight. Walking and thinking you’re about to collapse because you’re so light headed. It already sounds pretty traumatising doesn’t it? This is just the start of my day.
From here I need to try and go on with my day like I’m normal, like nothing is attacking my insides.
There’s some days where I wake up and honestly can not move, I can’t bring myself to even get out of bed let alone actually go to work. This is so hard for me, I love my job. I love what I do and the people I work with so I already know this is a huge problem but when I wake up like this there is no changing my mind. Nothing that can stop me and normally when I actually stand up it literally makes it so much worse and just confirms it. BUT on days I am able to actually get up and keeping moving on, I have to deal with stuffy trains which bring out my morning nausea so much more and majority of my mornings are me tossing if it’s bad enough for me to actually get off the train for some air and then carry on with my journey when I can.
When I’m at work I’m constantly up and down and always feel the ripping of the stitches feeling and sharp pains. Dizziness, shaky, I can’t sit on my chair without it feeling like there’s a pin in my seat stabbing straight into my ass from my sciatica and it shoots straight down my leg, my back being in excruciating pain and mainly me constantly being breath-taken by how much pain I’m in.
There’s obviously days that are much better then others but flare up days or this past few months for example this is every. single. day.
On days like these I feel so much for my gorgeous partner, I get home I am exhausted. All I want to do is go to bed and not move for as long as possible. The last thing I want to think about is cleaning the house, doing the washing and making dinner but its not fair or practical to make him do that all the time.
Do people believe me? Probably not. I probably wouldn’t either if I had never been in this position or knew many people in my position. I am constantly told I’ve always got a huge smile on my face and the typical but “you don’t look sick”... which is correct! But if you’re suffering like this every day I’m not going to walk around crying because then well.. endo will win (and that isn't happening).
September 15, 2019
Want 10% off your order? Subscribe to our newsletter!
Make sure you check your junk/promotions folder for the unique discount code :)